IMPORTANT NOTE. I was asked by my legal rep to censor parts of this story. I said NO. But then my intern decided to do it anyway. So if anything is censored IT WAS NOT MY FAULT OR IDEA. So don’t blame me.

FACT. The entire freaking government is falling apart for one reason:

NOBODY IS LISTENING TO ME.

Why??? Why??? You morons. If you can’t see why based on my hit Radio Show GULL CITY, I don’t see why I should even bother explaining further.

BUT I WILL TRY.

2008. The Housing Market Crashes.

Have you ever seen Moneyball? Me neither. Wait actually The Big Short. That’s the one. I also haven’t seen that. But that’s about this thing about the houses. Basically (summarizing) everyone’s house exploded because of nobody wanted houses anymore. Or couldn’t buy them. But I think most people just didn’t want houses.

Anyway everyone is totally ticked off. George W Bush says that it’s because the taliban was trying to ban golfing which he was good at like really good.

Everyone knows only home owners golf. So then if golfing was banned by the taliban or I guess they were scared to golf cause all they got was clubs and al quada had guns and other stuff that were scarier but anyway if they couldn’t golf then why even own a home either. The only reason they were home owners was because you have to own a home to get into golf country clubs I think or maybe just money is good too.

But anyway they tried to sell their stupid houses that were **** because the HOA couldn’t let them do cool stuff on their lawn like grow hash or let the neighborhood kids have dog fights with the poodles all the old ladies had but those weren’t that good anyway because the poodles all had some medical condition like thin bones or whooping cough so they would usually just pee and die.

But then they tried to sell their houses and nobody wanted to buy them because they would just be buying all the houses from each other (golfers) and the HOA was so mean it was like… Get off your high horse what’s the difference between gambling in dog fights vs. your husband gambling your mortgage online just beacuse a little blood is shed now all of a sudden we’re no longer the land of opportunity? HOA is the taliban of the US.

So then yes, they couldn’t sell their houses and so now they have a **** house that was worth nothing and they were broke because they couldn’t sell weed they grew and now they can’t gamble on dogs OR golf games because of the HOA/taliban. but honestly at this point I can just use those words interchangibly.

So then what?

Also 2008. The Troll Face is Invented

So then some guy named Carlos invented the Troll Face on MS Paint on September 19. This basically ruined everyone’s life including mine but my grandparents would say it was my fault if I ever found out where they are or what happened to them.

Essentially I was living with my grammy and pappa and they were chill but my pappa would always space out watching M*A*S*H and he would cry at the instrumental Suicide is Painless theme song and grammy would always be breaking stuff in the kitchen and I feel like she did it on purpose to remind pappa of gunshots so he would be more immersed watching M*A*S*H or maybe she hated his guts.

But they didn’t really work they both lived on welfare or social security whatever welfare for old people is called. medicaid? It’s when the government gives you a check for being old but still alive. So they had this and the house.

So then basically my grammy broke a decorative bowl while pappy was walking down the stairs and he screamed about his friend Jesse from the war who got popped by what the army guys would call a “tango” and then he fell down the stairs and broke more bones than I thought old people still had.

But then I learned from the doctor that bones don’t turn to less bones when you get older. I thought that life was measured in bones like babies have less bones (teeth too) then they get older and grow more bones then the longer you live the more bones you lose until you die. But I guess this was wrong or at least that’s what the doctor said.

So then they had no medical bill money so they were like I guess we gotta sell the house and “downsize” and Christmas might be light this year like less gifts.

But the problem about the house was nobody would ever want that sack of **** house like it was basically made of cardboard and sheet metal. Pappy built it with his pappy before his ass was booted to korea and it barely had running water like the poop would go into a creek outside and then also we had no internet AT ALL and we had to use our neighbor’s phone for phone calls and our nearest neighbor was literally like 10 minutes away by car… Stupid ass house.

Anyway nobody was going to buy it anyway but then OH YEAH. THE HOUSING MARKET CRASHED!!! So they were trying to sell a **** house during a **** time like a perfect **** storm of failure like god was our “tango” or we were god’s “tango” and he was trying to blow our heads off with a damned infantry rifle.

So after like 3 months of nothing everyone was getting depressed and pappy was still in a giant cast I kept drawing **** on it and he was threatening to crush my windpipe when he got better but we both knew he was never going to get better.

But then I had a really funny idea. I wrote a letter like “dear sirs/madames I am so interested in this house to buy it I will buy it for ONE MILLION $$$” then I sent the letter in our own mailbox (which was literally a tin can on a wooden stake pretty much).

So 5 business days later minus the weekend grammy reads the letter and gets super excited and starts crying tears of joy and even pappy said “maybe the lord was looking after us all this time and we were too foolhardy to see it” but then I said hey maybe the guy attached a picture of himself so you’ll know when he comes to buy it. And lo and behold grammy flips the letter over and BAM!!

I TROLLED THEM WITH TROLL FACE!!!

But of course they were senile and didn’t get it so I explained that was troll face (maybe I did a bad job drawing it) and I wrote the letter and it was trolling.

Grammy dropped to her knees on the floor sobbing and pappy said “youre a devil child. there’s the devil in you” and yeah they were NOT HAPPY.

So then that’s when they booted me back to my own real parents or at least they tried but HAHAHAHAHAHA jokes on them my parents were still nowhere to be found. So then they had my aunt take care of me instead.

When they handed me off they told her my soul was sick and no love would be enough to help me. That night my aunt let me watch Spiderman 3 which came out the year before and it was ok.

2012. The World Ends

Not really but everyone thought it was going to. Meanwhile I was WISHING it would. My aunt was just galavanting around freebasing doing whatever she wanted meanwhile I was having to go to PUBLIC SCHOOL where they teach you to pledge of allegiance but nobody really savors it. Like it’s evident that everyone reciting it is just doing it from a phoentic standpoint like I was the only ************ sitting there with tears streaming down my damn face putting my heart into INDIVISIBLE. WITH LIBERTY. AND JUSTICE. FOR ALL. Like full on sobbing at that **** like honestly man how do you call yourself American but not literally have a mental breakdown in homeroom reciting the pledge of allegiance and have to go to the nurse?

So well the school contacted my aunt and she puts me into child therapy. Like… Sorry lady but I think you may have it backwards as it pertains to which one of us needs professional help… Well they diagnosed me with all kinds of stuff that was just trying to make me QUESTION MY MENTAL so I don’t even remember what it all was but the bottom line was it obviously wasn’t true.

Well five or so sessions in I just start going nonverbal like if my family doesn’t care and my therapist just wants me to admit to wrongdoing then why should I tell them anything?? I was just sitting reading ragecomics on my Moto X bro iFunny man remember that? I guess eventually my stoic nature (obviously I have nerves of steel like you could throw a freaking haymaker at me and I wouldn’t flinch) impressed the therapists because one day they had a special guy come in and talk to me.

This guy was very military like obviously ripped under his suit like RIPPLING MUSCLES so he had some kinda crazy routine or maybe did Slimfast?? but anyway he crouched in front of me and said, “hey kid, how’d you like to help out somewhere that needs you most?”

I was like uh no bro this world is on its last legs and so far the only feeling I’ve ever felt is pain. Like what could I even do anyway??

He just kind of laughed at me and pulled out a picture of this guy with an absolutely banging mustache I was like okay okay who’s this stud? and the guy goes “This is Joseph Kony. He’s a warlord in Uganda.”

I was like okay man so not only is this guy got sick as hell facial hair but you’re telling me he’s a **** warlord too? I mean golly I was getting fired up. I was like okay so you want me to become the next Joseph Kony?? Sounds chill.

Then he dropped the freaking truth bomb.

He said that this guy was NOT a Friend of our Nation and my job would be to SLIME HIM. I was like… What makes you think a scrawny iFunny kid like me could take Joseph Kony to task? Also, what’s even in it for me?

At that he clapped his hands over my temples so my ears started ringing and my vision got all blurry. When I came to he had an iPad in front of me then showed me this KICK ASS SONG about how we gotta beat this Kony fella once and for all. I was like. Okay, okay. You sold me. What do I do?

He said, “we’ve been monitoring your psych profile and also how good you play games on the Nintendo DS [my hand eye coordination was like… OTHERWORLDLY. It’s because when I was born my mom dropped me so if I didn’t learn how to catch myself in literally like the first 2 seconds of my life I would have DIED INSTANTLY. I caught myself with my hands and most of my head but it was chill.] and we think you have the makings of a SPECIAL OPERATIVE. Someone whose life purpose is to carry out top secret espionage all over the world. We want you to infiltrate Kony’s base of operations as a child soldier, gain his trust by doing cool stuff then when his guard is good and down MAKE HIM MEET HIS MAKER.”

I was like okay I still don’t see why we’re the ones who have to deal with this like don’t we got our own issues going on like didn’t Imagine Dragons just release their debut album isn’t someone going to put a stop to that?

But then he said something that changed my life.

“** **** ** **** ****** *** **** ** *** *** ** *******.”

Just like that I was in. Then before I left the therapist came back and told me I had bpd.

2014. Uganda

Being a child soldier was pretty chill actually. I spent two years goofing around, playing Ps3, chilling eating good food and laughing with my buddies. I got really good at Tekken 6 and obviously my main was PAUL!!! I could pretty much double Perfect anyone no hassle whatsoever. Well word got around and eventually the big man found out. I got word to come up to his quarters one evening and I knew I had my chance…

I go to his crazy warlord mansion and his mustache was even cooler in person. They fed us GOOSE and **** like fancy **** man like I was almost like damn where’s the champagne and then BAM the wait staff comes out with some high class bubbly too. I was like okay JK (Joseph Kony) what’s your angle?

He said that tonight we were going to settle The King of the Iron Fist Tournament once and for all.

He dismisses all his armed guards and leads me to his Gaming Den and this guy has consoles that I had never even seen. The guy had every Nintendo, Xbox, and even a Ps4!!! But the crowned jewel was his old reliable Ps3. He makes me sit in this Razor gaming chair next to his much more elevated gaming chair and pulls out this huge fight stick with Naruto on it. Meanwhile all I get was the cringe ass Ps3 base controller where you can barely do a reliable dash but whatever I live that.

No surprise the guy plays Heihachi. Now I’m up against another fighter who can really pack a punch here, so I gotta be careful. I get him on a few jabs but my luck runs out when he sweeps my leg and gets me into a grapple as soon as I recover. I’m starting to think I’m in over my head until I catch him on a HUGE Lightning Bolt whiff and start really pummeling him good. I get some crazy combos off and by the next round he’s already sweating bigtime.

I whittle his health down to basically nothing and right before I deliver the game winning blow he hits PAUSE. He laughs to himself then says to me,

“I know you were sent by the USA to dispose of me.”

I said how? Cause I’m a little white boy who only speaks english?

He laughs again, “No, it’s much simpler than that. It’s because you selected Paul. Who is an American character in Tekken.”

I knew it was now or never. I threw my Ps3 controller at his head as hard as I could and WHAM!! It totally missed and smashed into his Ps4.

He cried out in total agony. Like it was a pain I had never heard conveyed through a human voice before.

He ran over to it and cradled it in his arms. It had kind of a little scratch mark where I threw the controller and I guess it ruined the finish and it was really upsetting to him. I think it probably still would work but he didn’t seem to think so. He looked up at me with tears in his eyes and down his cheeks and sopping up into his stache.

He looks over and says, “Go on… Put me out of my misery. Now I can’t even play Life Is Strange when it comes out next year… Unless it comes out on Xbox.”

I decided to have mercy on him. Letting him live without his Ps4 was probably even more of a punishment than execution by an undercover child soldier. At least I think so. Don’t you?

When I flew back to US Soil the military guy asked me what I did and I said tbh I let him live and the military guy said it was chill because honestly they thought I was going to die like INSTANTLY so the fact I did anything was impressive. They said I could do whatever I wanted now and the PTSD from all the Bad Stuff I did between all the cool stuff I mentioned would go away but it never really did. It’s chill though.

2016. Division

When I got back to the States everything was different. For one thing it was a different year. The other thing was that my aunt was put into witness protection after seeing the russian mafia rob an Old Navy and since I was overseas I couldn’t come with.

he US kept mailing me a social security check for doing clandestine army stuff too but it was barely enough to afford anything more than a mid-size high rise condo in New York so I was pretty strapped for cash. At age ** I was effectively on my own making money hustling at arcades beating people’s asses at Tekken and sleeping in the lockers at Planet Fitness (the condo was too high up to sleep good) trying to get by every day man.

I came to realize Uncle Sam had used and abused me bad. I was supposed to get a purple heart for the thumb cramping I got but they said I wasn’t eligible because I was never a real soldier, only a child one who was also in secret so even if was a grown up they couldn’t give me one or they would get in trouble for what I did. Especially if Sony found out I was the one who damaged Kony’s Ps4 I could be liable for that and have to pay up and those things were NOT CHEAP.

This is when I realized that even though I had fought for America, they hadn’t fought for me. And if America wasn’t joining me on my fight for the Nation, it was basically like they didn’t even give a rat’s behind about the Nation at all.

Of course I still wanted to participate in our Perfect Democracy. The election was coming up, and since I was military personnel I was allowed to vote even though I wasn’t 18 yet (this is real). But the issue what I had no clue who to vote for in such a divisive climate. I knew I had to turn to an expert to help me make an informed decision.

Day and night I would sit on my phone refreshing Casey Neistat’s YouTube page over and over and over just hoping beyond hope PRAYING that he would tell me who he was voting for.

HOW IN THE NAME OF CHRIST THE LORD AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHO TO VOTE FOR IF CASEY NEISTAT DOESN’T TELL ME???

See now you stupid ********* who weren’t there are acting like this doesn’t make any sense and I’m being a moron or glib or whatever. But here’s what you don’t understand

CASEY NEISTAT WAS THE COOLEST MOTHER EFFER OF ALL FREAKING TIME.

Dude. He had this freaking epic sauce lofi hip hop beats over these crazy drone shots and this epic motorized skateboard THAT WAS NOT GAY and he would zoom around the city on it with his custom made salt paint ray bans THAT WERE NOT STUPID AS HELL and DAILY VLOGS BRO???? DAILY VLOGS??? That was genuinely sick as **** man.

He was The Voice of New York City. HE WAS THERE ON 9/11. He was in his apartment bro he said it on his draw my life. So YEAH. I NEEDED HIM TO TELL ME HOW TO VOTE. He wasn’t just a vlogger man. He was a DAILY vlogger.

Then I saw it.

Refresh, after Refresh, after Refresh, after Refresh…

THEN BAM.

Who I’m voting for president by Casey Neistat.

I’ll never forget the sweat trickling down my face into my supple lips (YUM) as I watched the loading bar circle and circle and circle…

First thing I see is Casey sit down on his little chair. His head jerks around like a freaky marionette. Then he takes a shallow breath…

Sorry, something went wrong.

SORRY SOMETHING WENT WRONG?????

YOUTUBE FROZE!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE ******* PLANET FITNESS WIFI CRAPPED OUT AND I COULDN’T WATCH THE VIDEO.

YOUTUBE!!!!!!! YOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUTUUUUUUUUUUBBBEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

God, I ran like a madman. I ran up to everyone in the gym BEGGING THEM to tell me who Casey was voting for. I started getting all up in everyone’s grill screaming at them SCREAMING: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TELL ME!! WHO DID CASEY IS GONNA VOTE FOR???? WHO IS DID CASEY IS GONNA VOTE FOR!?!?!?!???

Some meathead was doing a bench press (whatever bro get a job). I decided I would have to do it the way ol Uncle Sam taught me. I pushed down on the barbell and put it right up to the guy’s neck. I said

LISTEN TO ME PUNK ************. IF YOU DON’T TELL ME WHO CASEY NEISTAT VOTED FOR RIGHT NOW… I’LL DROP STOMP ON THIS BARBELL TILL IT’S THROUGH YOUR WINDPIPE.

The guy lifted me up like I weighed nothing (I was cutting for abs) and started beating my ass like I was a piñata and his fists were the Bat. Instead no candy came out just blood and throw up.

To this day, I don’t know who Casey Neistat was going to vote for in 2016.

After they scraped me off the floor I was banned from Planet Fitness. I realized how little I had. No friends, no family (my grandparents went no contact and my aunt got sentenced to life while I was in Uganda). All I had was $******* and a luxury condo that was nowhere NEAR the comfort and convenience of Planet Fitness facilities. That’s no way to live.

Uncle Sam had failed me. Planet Fitness Wifi had failed me. God had failed me like usual. God is the taliban of human existence. Little prick. I’d like to see him log onto Tekken then we’ll see who the almighty really is. ******.

I was Alone in America. The Loneliest Country on Earth. I felt like the last one here…

It was a few months into my dejection that I had a genius plan. If America was trying to show me it didn’t care about me, I was going to show them I didn’t care about THEM or THEIR BLOOD MONEY THEY WERE GIVING ME.

I decided to spend my monthly social security check on a TV production major at a liberal arts college.

CHECKMATE, UNCLE SAM!!

2021. Internship

So a few years of that and I found myself in NEW YORK CITY doing an internship on a REALLLY REALLY POPULAR late night TV show. Yes, it was ***** ******. My job was on the ****** Censor Squad. Basically the REALLY MASSIVE COMPANY ****** had a HUGE deal with this late night guy for sponsorships on their freaky little spyware robots that listen to you talk all day and help you make grocery lists sometimes.

My job was to watch the broadcast and censor any curses/slurs/pro-union sentiment/socialist call to actions/anything “disagreeable” I guess. It was actually a second layer of censorship beyond the first one. I was the second pass where anything ****** didn’t like was cut before it went out.

I was pretty good at my job or I WOULD HAVE BEEN if it weren’t for one MASSIVE FREAKING ISSUE. Maybe some of you remember COVID-19!?!?!?!?!?! Yeah. EVERYONE ON SET WAS WEARING FACE MASKS!!!! This is when woke was still in the meta. So suffice it to say I’m totally ******. Like… Everything is muffled and I can’t read anyone’s lips. So how am I supposed to know what they’re saying?!?

So yeah three days in the super popular talk show host is talking to a really sexy hollywood actor **** **** who abuses everyone behind the scenes and does *** ***** with *** ****** also but never gets in trouble because he’s famous. They’re talking about his new movie where it’s based on a true story of how some guy in Iraq basically brained 10000000000 people (mostly unarmed) for oil and they show a clip where he’s morally conflicted about it even though all his loved ones insist he objectively did the right thing so he’s a hero then he looks up at the sky (presumably to god) and says, “I guess you’re right… I just wanted to make my daddy proud” or something to that effect.

Everything was going like normal but then the host guy just starts writhing around in his chair like I’ve never seen before. He starts like seizing up and his eyes are twitching like crazy. So at first I’m like. I guess he got Coronavirus… Oh well. But then he stands up on the desk and goes I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!!!!! and rips his toupee off THEN his mask (this was a big no no in the Biden administration) and said:

You stupid pricks ***** *** *** *** *****. You stupid pricks ****** ** **** ** **** ** ****** * **** ** ***. You stupid pricks ***** **** **** ** ***** ** **** ******** *** ******** ********. You stupid pricks—

That was about as far as he got before two guys wearing big ****** logo hats and giant blue tasers came in and fried his bald head until it turned to a shriveled sack of grey matter. Then they dragged him out somewhere.

So I’m pretty sure the first round of censors thought this was some bit or something because it all went through to my monitor, but I was like… This is probably bad. So I axed the last full three minutes.

Well the rest of the show was a pre-recorded segment anyway (Saudi Arabia Helipool Karaoke) so nobody was stressing. I was gaming on my phone (***** ******) when some freaky looking guy crawled into the room on hands & knees and he looked like a freaking werewolf but his skin was like… porcelain white beneath the black hair. I couldn’t see his eyes.

Anyway he put his hand on my shoulder (his hand was just bones) and said

You did good job kid.

I was like thanks bro no problem. It’s my job. And he was like.

Wanna show you something.

Ok. That’s what I said (ok). He took me outside behind the studio building and showed me to this little bodega and I was like hell yeah can I get some hot cheetos but he shook his head and slapped me with his mane. But anyway he just took me to the back office. In there was some trash cigarettes some old dell computer with the security cam display up. He pointed to it and said,

Look.

I saw on the screen one tiny little window of some little prairie out somewhere and the two ***** *** guys pummeling the talk show guy with a big hammer until he was like. Slush. Then they just scraped him into the grass with their boots.

After that he walked me out and crawled away.

The next night I had off but I was wondering if they were going to do some in memoriam thing for ***** *****, this huge idiot who everyone watched at night so they didn’t have to talk to their spouses.

I cut on the TV and instead of that it was just the host guy again. He was interviewing some new musician who will disappear forever in two weeks on how they came from a small town (Orange County) and came up from the mud (dad at ********* Records) and shout out their favorite teacher who believed in them always. And this host guy didn’t freak or anything. He was just sitting there laughing and laughing and sometimes saying “aww” or whatever was socially appropriate. I guess I got confused by that but also it made sense.

2024. America

During the election I was freelance journaling for *** ********** ****. I was asked to go to the DNC and report on “the vibes” and if woke was finally over and democrats could use Bad Words again. So I come over there and like. It’s just a bunch of weirdos talking about how much they love avengers and like batman and stuff. Everyone was dressed up like some **** cartoon character and like sweating everyone was sweating so much. I was like.. What the hell guys are you even trying to win?

So the next day I was asked to go to the RNC and see what was up there. Lo and behold, it was THE SAME THING like same people, costumes, EVERYTHING. Literally the same freaking thing. In fact then I went into some theater and it was like BWOOOOOWWWAAAWAAWAAAABWOOAH and ******* ******* comes into frame and everyone FREAKS OUT like they just saw Jesus Christ return… I was like. DOES ANYONE CARE ABOUT OUR NATION’S ISSUES?!

Then I realized I may have effed up. I was like. Oh my god. I went to comiccon instead of the DNC and RNC. LOL!!! I was sitting on a bench outside when I realized this and started laughing crazy. Some guy dressed like sexy Mario (or maybe he was just sexy and happened to be dressed as Mario) asked me what was so damn funny. I said, “Dude, I’m a reporter for *** ********** **** and I just went to comiccon two days in a row thinking this was the DNC and RNC. Haha. My tight little ass is fired.”

He looked so confused. His brow scrunched up and he cocked his head and he scratched the top of his head with one hand and stroked his chin in the other.

“Dude,” he said, “this IS the RNC.”

I said, “This is the Republican National Convention.”

He said, “Yeah.”

I said, “And yesterday was the Democratic National Convention.”

“Yeah man.”

I pondered this for a while.

“I don’t understand,” I said.

“That’s because you’re stupid,” sexy Mario said. “Do you remember yesterday when Anthony Fauci did a panel about what if the Walking Dead zombie virus was real? And this morning when Rudy Giuliani did top ten sexiest X-Men?”

“Yeah,” I said. “And when Nancy Pelosi did a longplay of Metroid Fusion in the gaming lounge but she kept skipping the missile tank upgrades.”

“Yeah,” he said.

“I still don’t get it,” I said.

“It sounds like you’re a very sad and confused person,” said sexy Mario. Then he scooted away on his electric scooter.

That’s how I realized I was the last American left.

I don’t really have any evidence for that aside from the fact that the experience left me so disoriented and afraid, the only explanation I have is that something in the fabric of reality tore apart without me and now I’m the only one left with sanity.

I turned in my article about how DOOMED we all were and how when I asked the attendees about stuff like taxes, judicial power, freaking foreign policy they would just chase me with whatever plastic toy they had like lightsaber or whatever. I got fired 10 minutes after sending it to my boss. They said something happened to me in my head and that I shouldn’t go near anyone or talk anymore or do anything without supervision.

Then other stuff happened but I can’t talk about it.

2026. GULL CITY

So after getting out of the penitentiary I was like. Okay so everything I learned so far was: everyone is broke. Nobody is telling the truth. I’m the last American left. So I got an intern on the cheap (REALLY cheap, this guy is dumb as rocks) and was like. Let’s do it. If nobody is going to tell the truth, I WILL. I’m Cole City Radio. Of course my intern register the domain GULL City Radio. So now I’m trying to work that into the branding. God. Nothing can ever go right for me.

Anyway, if I make $100,000 from Gull City Radio, I will be able to move into PHASE 2. Then I can Save America. Will it ever happen? We will try.

NOW YOU KNOW THE TRUTH…

…But is there more? Maybe.